How to set boundaries
LISTEN IN APPLE PODCASTS | LISTEN IN SPOTIFY | LISTEN IN STITCHER
You know those days when you wake up already feeling behind, and before you’ve even had your coffee, you’re juggling a dozen different things? You’re responding to emails, getting the kids ready, dealing with an unexpected work call, and somehow the dog managed to get out of the yard—all before 9 AM. By the time you sit down at your desk, you’re already exhausted. Sound familiar?
For many of us, a day of putting out fires isn’t an every once in a while thing—it’s become the norm. We’re constantly jumping from one crisis to the next, putting out fires everywhere we turn. It’s like our to-do list has transformed into a battlefield, with every task screaming for immediate attention.
But here’s the thing: living in constant firefighting mode is exhausting. It drains our energy, steals our focus, and leaves us feeling like we’re never truly in control of our time. Instead of moving forward, we’re stuck in a loop of reacting and recovering, over and over again.
So why does this happen? Why do we find ourselves in this cycle of chaos?
So today, we’re talking about
- What it means to be putting out fires in your everyday life
- How to know if you’re constantly living in crisis mode
- Why perfectionism and overcommitment can be the sneaky causes of living in reactive mode
- What steps to take to break the cycle of firefighting
Alright, now that we’ve set the stage, let’s talk about what busy work actually is.
What does it mean to be putting out fires at work?
So what exactly does it mean to be in this constant state of putting out fires? In the simplest terms, it’s when we spend most of our time reacting to urgent problems instead of proactively planning and working towards our goals. And let’s be honest, as working moms, we’re often the first responders for everything. We’re the ones who step in when there’s a last-minute project at work, a school emergency, or a household meltdown. It’s like we have a superhero cape permanently tucked into our back pocket—just in case.
So why does this happen? Why do we find ourselves in this cycle of chaos?
There are a few common culprits. First, there’s overcommitment. As moms, we wear a lot of hats—employee, parent, partner, friend—and we want to do it all. But sometimes, “doing it all” means we’re spreading ourselves too thin, and that’s when things start to fall apart.
Another big factor is the lack of boundaries. How often do we say “yes” to things we don’t really have time for? Whether it’s agreeing to take on another work project, volunteering for a school event, or even just letting work bleed into family time, it all adds up.
And let’s not forget the environment we’re in. Sometimes, the workplaces or teams we’re part of are naturally reactive. Maybe there’s a culture of last-minute requests or constant urgency. And because we’re so used to operating in this mode, it becomes our default setting.
But it’s important to recognize that while some of this is out of our control, a lot of it isn’t. By understanding what’s driving this firefighting phenomenon in our own lives, we can start to take back control, bit by bit.
How to Know if You’re Living in Reactive Mode
So now that we’ve defined what it means to be stuck in firefighting mode, let’s dive into how to recognize when it’s happening in your own life. It’s easy to get caught up in the daily hustle and not even realize that we’re spending most of our time putting out fires. But there are some telltale signs and triggers that can help you identify when you’re stuck in a reactive cycle.
You’re constantly in crisis mode
The first sign to look out for is if you feel like you’re constantly in crisis mode—even over small things. Maybe it’s that your heart races every time your phone rings, or you get that sinking feeling whenever a new email pops into your inbox. It’s like your brain is on high alert, ready to jump into action at any moment. If this sounds familiar, you might be living in a state of constant reactivity.
You have no time for long-term planning
Another sign is having no time for strategic or long-term planning. Think about it—when was the last time you sat down and really thought about your goals, both personal and professional? If you’re too busy dealing with the immediate problems in front of you, chances are you’re not able to step back and see the bigger picture. This lack of time for planning can make us feel stuck, like we’re spinning our wheels without really getting anywhere. And if you’re listening as this episode is going live at the end of September 2024, we’re heading into the 4th quarter of the year – which is prime time for creating a plan for your upcoming year. If you’re living in reactive mode, you’re more likely to miss out.
You feel overwhelmed and burnt out.
A third sign is feeling overwhelmed and burnt out, even after what should have been a “normal” day. If you’re ending every day feeling drained, with no energy left for yourself or your family, it’s a red flag. Constantly being in reactive mode can take a serious toll on our mental and physical health, leaving us depleted and exhausted.
How do we end up in reactive mode?
So, what are the triggers that push us into this firefighting state?
Overcommitment
Often, it starts with overcommitting ourselves. Maybe you’ve taken on one too many projects at work or volunteered for more responsibilities at home than you can realistically handle. It’s easy to say “yes” in the moment, but those small commitments can quickly snowball into a mountain of obligations, leaving us overwhelmed and in constant crisis management mode.
Other people’s priorities
Another trigger is letting other people’s priorities dictate your day. It’s those last-minute requests, unexpected meetings, or sudden changes in plans that can throw off your carefully crafted schedule. And as working moms, we’re especially vulnerable to this. We want to be there for everyone—our families, our colleagues, our friends—but when we’re constantly adjusting to meet others’ needs, our own priorities get pushed to the back burner.
Perfectionism
Finally, there’s the “perfectionism trap.” This one’s sneaky, because it often comes from a good place—we want to do our best and give 100% to everything we do. But when we set unrealistically high standards for ourselves, we create a situation where we’re constantly scrambling to meet them. Every little hiccup feels like a fire that needs to be put out immediately because we’re afraid of falling short.
How to Break the Cycle of Putting Out Fires
So, how do we break out of this cycle? The first step is awareness. Take a moment to reflect on your own life and ask yourself: When do I feel most reactive? Are there certain times of day, specific situations, or particular people that tend to trigger this response in me?
For example, you might notice that your mornings are particularly chaotic, with everyone rushing to get out the door. Or maybe it’s those 4 PM emails from your boss that always seem to derail your evening plans. Whatever it is, start paying attention to these patterns and triggers.
Once you’re aware of them, you can begin to take back control. In the next segment, I’ll share some practical strategies for shifting from this reactive firefighting mode to a more proactive, intentional approach. We’ll talk about how to prioritize, set boundaries, and create systems that help you stay ahead of the game instead of constantly playing catch-up.
Because at the end of the day, we all want to be more than just firefighters—we want to be builders, creators, and leaders of our own lives.
How to get out of reactive mode
Now that we’ve covered the signs and triggers of being in constant firefighting mode, let’s talk about how to shift from reacting to problems to proactively managing our time and energy. Because let’s face it: while it’s impossible to eliminate every crisis from our lives, there are definitely steps we can take to reduce the number of fires we have to put out and create more space for the things that truly matter.
The goal here is to move from being reactive to being proactive. Instead of constantly responding to what’s urgent, we want to focus more on what’s important. So, how do we do that? I’ve got three strategies to share that can help you regain control and start living more intentionally.
Prioritize what matters most
The first strategy is to prioritize what’s truly important and let go of the rest. One way to do this is by using the Eisenhower Matrix, which I discussed in detail back in Episode 126, Priorities vs Productivity: Choosing What’s Most Important.
But my favorite method is thinking in terms of boulders, big rocks, and pebbles. Boulders are those important but not urgent tasks that help you show up as your best self, like self-care, planning, and personal growth. Big rocks are both important and urgent—they’re the tasks that really move the needle in your life and work, like meeting deadlines or handling family responsibilities. And then there are the pebbles—the small, less important tasks that can fill up your day if you’re not careful, like administrative work, emails, or errands.
The goal is to spend more time on your boulders and big rocks while minimizing the time you spend on pebbles, or delegating them when possible. This way, you’re focusing on what truly matters and not getting bogged down by the less impactful tasks.
Create systems and routines
The second strategy is to create systems and routines that help you streamline your day and reduce decision fatigue. Think about the areas of your life where you spend the most time and energy. For many of us, that’s meals, household chores, and managing work tasks.
Creating a meal plan for the week or having a set rotation of go-to recipes can save you hours of mental energy. Instead of scrambling to figure out what’s for dinner every night, you’ve already made that decision ahead of time.
Similarly, having a morning routine can set the tone for your entire day. It doesn’t have to be elaborate—a few simple steps, like making your bed, enjoying a cup of coffee, or doing a quick five-minute stretch, can ground you and help you start the day with intention instead of immediately jumping into reactive mode.
At work, consider using tools like time blocking to protect your focus time. Set specific blocks of time for different types of tasks—like answering emails, working on projects, and attending meetings. This not only helps you stay organized but also reduces the mental clutter of constantly switching between tasks.
Communicate Clear Boundaries
The third strategy is setting and communicating clear boundaries. This is a big one, especially for those of us who struggle with saying no or feel guilty about not being available all the time.
Start by identifying your non-negotiables. These are the things that are most important to you and that you’re not willing to compromise on—like family dinners, a daily workout, or quiet time to focus on a passion project. Once you’ve identified them, protect these times as much as you can.
Next, communicate these boundaries clearly to the people around you. Let your colleagues know that you’re unavailable for meetings after a certain time, or tell your family that you need 30 minutes of uninterrupted time in the evening to recharge. People often respect your boundaries more than you think—they just need to know what they are.
And remember, boundaries aren’t just about saying no to others—they’re also about saying yes to yourself. It’s about giving yourself permission to prioritize your needs and well-being.
It’s important to know that setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re not committed or that you’re shirking responsibilities. It’s about being clear on what you can realistically handle and recognizing that you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Be on the lookout for a special bonus episode coming out on Thursday where I’ll share 5 simple steps you can take to set better boundaries and spend more time on what matters most.
But here’s the thing: No matter how well we plan or how many boundaries we set, there will always be times when a fire pops up that needs immediate attention. Life is unpredictable, and sometimes we have to switch back into firefighter mode. But the key is to handle these situations without letting them completely derail us or burn us out.
That’s where my CURVE Method for handling life’s curveballs really shines. I talk all about the CURVE method in Episode 236, but here’s a quick refresher:
Curve stands for Control, Understand, Resources, Vital and Enlist.
But there’s actually a really important step you have to take before you start working your way through the CURVE Method.
The first thing to do when faced with a sudden crisis is to pause and take a deep breath. I know this sounds counterintuitive when everything around you feels like it’s falling apart, but this moment of pause is crucial. It gives you a chance to assess what’s really going on.
Ask yourself: Is this truly an emergency? Sometimes, things feel urgent in the moment, but they’re not actually emergencies. For example, an unexpected work email that comes in at 8 PM might feel like it needs an immediate response, but in reality, it can probably wait until the morning.
If it is a genuine crisis, like a sick child or a major issue at work that requires your immediate attention, then kickoff the Curve method.
Ask yourself –
- What can I Control?
- What do I need to understand?
- What resources can help me?
- What’s most vital for me right now?
- Who can I enlist for help?
Once the immediate fire has been put out, take a moment to reflect. Ask yourself: What led to this situation? Is there something I could have done differently to prevent it? This isn’t about beating yourself up or finding fault—it’s about learning and preparing for the future.
Maybe the fire happened because of a lack of communication, unclear expectations, or simply because you were overextended. Whatever the reason, use this experience to identify potential triggers and think about how you can mitigate them going forward. Maybe it’s setting up a clearer process at work, communicating boundaries more effectively, or building in more buffer time for unexpected events.
The goal is to turn this firefighting experience into a learning opportunity. It’s about building resilience and creating a plan to handle similar situations more effectively in the future.
Recap: How to Stop Putting Out Fires
We’ve covered a lot today including how to break free from the firefighting cycle and create a more intentional life. Let’s recap the key takeaways:
- First, Awareness is Key: Recognize when you’re stuck in firefighting mode. Notice the signs—constant crisis mode, lack of planning time, and feeling drained at the end of the day.
- Then, remember to Prioritize What Matters: Focus on high-impact tasks that align with your goals and values. Delegate or eliminate the rest to free up your time and energy.
- Be sure to Create Supportive Systems: Implement routines and systems to simplify your day and reduce chaos. This helps you stay organized and proactive.
- Practice Setting and Communicate Boundaries: Protect your time and energy by being clear on your non-negotiables and communicating them effectively. Remember, boundaries aren’t just about saying no to others—they’re about saying yes to yourself.
- And finally, use the CURVE method: When a fire does pop up, pause, assess, and take focused action. Reflect on how to handle similar situations better in the future.
The goal isn’t to eliminate every fire but to manage them without burning out. You have the power to shift from reactive to proactive, one step at a time. Remember, you deserve a life that’s balanced and fulfilling. And I’m cheering you on every step of the way.
Related Episodes:
- Priorities vs Productivity: Choosing What’s Most Important
- How to Bounce Back When Life Throws You Curveballs: Introducing The CURVE Method
- The Art of Enough: How to Break the Cycle of Overwhelm and Overcommitment
- Time Management Coaches Get Overwhelmed, Too: My Personal Process for Beating Overwhelm
Be the first to comment